How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
