I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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