Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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