dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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