my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
