for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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