Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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