hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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