Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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