Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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