if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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