What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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