Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
