My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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