I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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