The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
