is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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Strip Mario-Kart
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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