I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
