You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
