"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
