everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
