he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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