i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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