I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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