If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i think i just lost a toe
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
