im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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