I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
