I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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