Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
