she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
