my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
