JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
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Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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