I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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