If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
