he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
