You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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