i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
