I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
smell my finger.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
