OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
