First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
