my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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