I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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