Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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