also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
