very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He has the fingertips of a God
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