i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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