Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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