I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
