you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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