I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
