She is in my trunk
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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