Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
