my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
