Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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