proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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