omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
