I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
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I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
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What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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