I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
