It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
